Fr. Peter Gelfer is a member of the Brothers of St. John of God, an international health care community serving in 46 countries. He presently serves as Chaplain at St. John's Regional Medical Center in Oxnard, California. Fr. Peter has served as a hospice chaplain providing spiritual and bereavement ministry to the terminally ill and dying and is a certified Chaplain with the National Association of Catholic Chaplains. He has been a member of his community for over 40 years and ordained for 25 years.
LIFE TRANSITIONS: DEALING WITH LOSS
Peter Gelfer, O.H., R.N., M.Div.
From the time we are born to the time we are reborn to Eternal Life; we “leave the old to embrace the new.” We learn to let go of something. We leave the comfort of our mother’s womb to begin our new life and then leave infancy for childhood and move through adolescence to our young adult, middle adult and older adult years. Having to let go and say good-bye to people we love isn’t easy. On July 24th, over 4,000 mourners gathered at the Crystal Cathedral in Garden Grove, California to say goodbye to little five-year-old Samantha Runnion. Listening to her mother speak through her tears of her love for her daughter and how she touched the lives of many people reminded me of how precious life really is. Erin Runnion said, “Nothing can bring our baby back . . . we always knew she had a gift for the world but it never occurred to us that her greatness would be realized in death.” The funeral for Samantha and for any of our loved ones who have died offers us a time to grieve and mourn our loss. The author of the book of Ecclesiastes reminds us that "For everything there is a season. And a time to be born. And a time to die: a time to plant. And a time to pluck up what is planted...a time to heal...a time to build up. A time to weep...a time to mourn...a time to embrace...a time to seek. A time to love... and a time for peace...for God has put the timeless into our heart." (Ecclesiastes 3:1-8)
Our fast pace doesn’t allow time to both grieve and mourn our losses or life transitions. Experience has taught me that when we don’t give ourselves time to grieve and mourn our losses, they backlog and build up. Eventually the flood gates open and our tears come forth. Molly Fumia learned this after putting her grief on hold for ten years after her son Jeremy died during the first year of his life. On her path toward healing Molly learned that “grief is the most patient and persistent of all of life’s companions...We are all grieving. Being alive requires of us a relationship with the mysterious, life-long experience of letting go, whether it be the small daily dyings . . . or the gripping , transformative experience of saying farewell to someone we’ve loved. The second is that grief is an ancient, universal power that links all human beings together.”(1)
Knowing that we are humanity and that our life experiences are connected may give us the courage and strength to “share our pain and find the strength in the sharing.”(2)
It may be difficult to give ourselves permission or to find the inner strength to touch our pain. It is easy to dull, stuff and ignore our pain. For some people letting go of the pain is the only connection they have with their loved ones who have died.
Experience has taught me that there is a way to grieve and mourn our losses that will allow us to heal and find the strength to live our lives again to the full. It is important that we are compassionate to ourselves and give ourselves time and space to grieve and mourn our losses. As one author wrote, "We find rest in those we love, and we provide a resting place in ourselves for those who love us." (St. Bernard of Clairvaux) The following process is offered for your reflection on the healing journey through grief. It is a bereavement declaration agreement which I have found helpful for my own journey as well as many who have used this for their personal bereavement or while being a part of a bereavement support group.
MY HEALING JOURNEY THROUGH GRIEF & LOSS
I am grieving the loss of _____________ who died on______, or the relationship which ended on_______. This causes me pain and hurt. I realize that grief is not an illness but a normal lifetime event that needs to be compassionately experienced. The time between my loss and acceptance of this loss is called bereavement. When I experience my feelings of loss, I am grieving. When I am expressing my feelings of loss, I am mourning. I recognize that I am completely responsible for my healing and recovery and that my healing and recovery will unfold as I complete the tasks of grieving in my own time and pace. These tasks are:
- I accept the reality of my loss.
- I work through the feelings and pain around my loss.
- I unlearn old patterns of relating and learn new ones as I adjust to my losses.
- I place my loss in the wider context of my faith, values, beliefs.
- I reinvest in living life again.
Through meditation, crying, reflection, dialogue, journaling and group support, I will learn to understand my grief and loss. I will remember my loved one. I will let go of any attachments or resentments with love. I will learn how to accept and express my feelings. I will learn to understand my changed identity and role in life. I will learn to cope with anniversaries and holidays. I will compassionately care for myself by giving myself the time and space to grieve, to rest, to play and to heal. I will find the resources both within and without to help me to become more fully human and fully alive. Today I make a new beginning in my life.
Name: __________________
Support Person: __________________ Date:__________________
I find it helpful to have someone support you on your healing journey. The network of support through, family, friends, faith community or support groups can be very helpful.
One woman named Vicki found strength in a support group as she mourned the loss of her only son killed in an automobile accident. She wrote a beautiful poem called the The Grief Explorers which describes her feelings about how she has learned to grieve.
The Grief Explorers© by Vicki Powell
It is a place where we must go
A place where we will search our souls
The pain is severe, the pain is intense
At times it seems nothing makes any sense
Our emotions will go from mild to wild
We will cry and weep just like a child
And through all this our memories we will hold
Of our special loved one and from that we will grow
No one can tell us how we should feel
Especially when our broken hearts are real
Only on our journey can we start to mend
we become “Grief Explorers” with many new friends!
Vicki became a “Grief Explorer,” and gave herself permission to touch her pain, not only of the loss of her son but other losses in her life. She had the support and encouragement to journey through her pain and find inner peace.
Grief can become toxic when we ignore our pain and do not attend to it. A number of people in the support groups I have facilitated stated that they were getting headaches, arthritis, nausea, loss of appetite, not sleeping very well, overeating, taking drugs or alcohol to dull their pain. These are like “red flags” for me as reminders that our life is out of balance. There are also other risk factors to be aware of. When there is no kind of support system from family, friends or faith community or any steps taken to address our pain and loss we run the risk of disconnecting ourselves from life and humanity and creation. The spiritual journey is one of relationship with self, God, humanity and creation. In grief all these relationships are affected. Our big world begins to shrink down and become so small and our sense of purpose and direction in life can be lost.
Yet there is hope. Our life is a shared journey of faith with our family, loved ones and our God. When confronted with illness, or loss of any kind, we yearn to be well and whole. When we are nurtured, loved and affirmed, we discover an incredible dignity that we are created by God.
Whether sick or well, whole or fragmented, loved or unloved, we can find within our being, inner healing and peace. We can also find this healing in our own home, among family and friends, and within our faith community. When we are sick, there is a particular gift of healing which God's love and power makes available to us. Even now, the healing power of God's presence is at work within you.
An experience of loss, such as loss of health, loss of a loved one can open us to a fuller awareness of how human we really are. In the midst of suffering there is something within us that cries out for some answers to our questions about our human struggles and our pain. We seek to find a loving, merciful, compassionate presence from God or a person who will show us that someone really cares and that we are not alone. Through family, friends, our faith communities, and support groups, we can develop an "alliance of healing." Having a network of support can be beneficial. You do not have to walk alone as you face illness, loss, and grief.
All my hopes as you continue to heal.
- Safe Passage: Words to Help the Grieving Hold Fast and Let Go, Molly Fumia, Conari Press, Berkeley, CA;
- Star Trek V: The Journey Home
- Vicki Powell “Grief Explorers Poem” Apple Valley, CA 1994
A PROCESS FOR GRIEVING OUR LOSSES
Dr. Bruce Gladstone, Ph.D. Gladstone Counseling Services, Ojai, CA 93023
Find a quiet place for your meditation and reflection where you will not be disturbed or interrupted.
- Identify and list any losses you have experienced on a separate sheet of paper.
- Write a grief statement about each loss which expresses your feelings as clearly as possible. Give each loss a separate sheet of paper. ( I am sad because...I am angry because...I am relieved because...I am grieving my loss because.)
- Place yourself in silence...15 minutes to quiet down.
- Ask for guidance from whomever you turn to for spiritual communion, prayer, meditation. (Holy Spirit, God, Inner Child, a friend, nature, a family member living or deceased.)
- From guidance received, what do I need now in order to grieve and mourn each loss? Take one at a time to reflect on.
- Write down any suggestions on the sheet of paper for that loss.
Follow these steps as you work through each loss you listed in the first step. Take one loss at a time. Do not rush through your list. You have time to work in each loss throughout the weeks and months that are ahead of you. Work on at least one loss.